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How to Properly Celebrate Christmas

How to Properly Celebrate Christmas

What people get wrong about Christmas is they think it should be full of joy and light. No! As I discussed last year, Christmas is the narrative climax of the year. That's why people used to tell ghost stories at Christmas. It should be full of suspense, if not terror!

To this end, I have started a collection of alarming Christmas ornaments. My collection is very small because I only decided two minutes ago that I had a collection at all. It consists of a single ornament: the angler fish.

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The angler fish may be only one, but the terror of the angler fish is legion.

The rest of my ornaments consist of small woodland animals, Santas, and tiny people dressed for snowy weather. Which is perfectly well and good. But they're too happy. They're too safe. How can they feel properly Christmasy on a tree with very little danger running loose? Just look at Jeremy Fisher. His only concern is that he is not really a Christmas ornament and has been drafted due to a shortage, along with a similarly-clinging Peter Rabbit and at least one keychain. Other than knowing he's out of place, he's perfectly happy.

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It's not right. I need to change the proportion from 99% happy, 1% terror, to 50-50. My grandmother has a one-eyed devil on her tree, so obviously this desire is genetic.

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It is also important, on New Year's Eve, to be certain that you have pleased the Christmas Possum. The Christmas Possum is, as you will already know, a staple of every home. Stashed in a box in tissue paper most of the year, it is unleashed at Christmastide with suitable reverence and fear. To receive its blessing, you must do one of two things before midnight on New Year's Eve: play dead for a socially awkward period of time or bite someone. Most people choose the first, but if you go to a party, you should watch out for the second. If your offerings have pleased the Christmas Possum, you will be notified by courier at your home address in the following year, usually before Tax Day. If you do not receive your notarized blessing, goodness knows what may befall you, but it will probably be something akin to the maladies in Edward Gorey's Fantod Pack - loss of ears, inadequate drainage, wispiness, etc. You will want to take special care, and be sure to please the Christmas Possum in the following year.

I hope with these helpful tips in mind, celebrators of Christmas will do it better next year, as you have all almost certainly done it wrong this time. May none of you suffer wispiness as a result.

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